The Transformation

Dear Readers, 

It is hard to write about my daily life without talking about my weight loss journey. I have been purposefully trying to keep this topic light or completely unmentioned because I'm not really here to toot my own horn. I'm here to share bizarre stories. I will try to keep these stories to a minimum, however, I thought this week I'd share my progress to date with you.

I should start by saying, like a lot of people, I hadn't really noticed how out of control my weight had gotten. And some of my resistance to getting healthy was pure stubbornness. "Oh, you think I could lose weight? Haha! I can gain weight!" Because that's healthy. 

I had also spent a very long time trying to convince myself that I was legitimately happy with the way I looked. And generally, I was. Because I never saw myself. So I must look awesome, right? Yeah. That's how the world works. 

I have tried diets many times over the course of my life, which seems like a radical statement to make for someone who is only 22. So, maybe I shouldn't say "many" but rather, "a handful" that sounds better. Most of them, in my mind, were unsustainable, though. I never focused on being healthy. I just wanted to lose some weight and keep eating what I have always been eating. I don't care what those weight loss commercials tell you, that is nearly impossible. 

Every time in the past couple of years that I saw a picture of myself I was completely deviated. How in the world did people let me ruin their pictures by being a large sphere in them. 

Sphere isn't even right, because at least that would be impressive. I was more like a large potato. 

Rough sketch of the accused.

If you didn't laugh at that poorly drawn potato I don't think we can be friends. 

I have been slowly working on making healthier choices for a few months now. That has resulted in a completely made up 1000 pound loss. I literally do not exist any more. 

Seriously, though, I have managed to drop 30 lbs since the middle of January. 

The problem with that is, I don't really notice it. Sure, my jackets fit better. But to me, my face still looks like a lumpy potato. I will say, though, the other day I caught my reflection in the mirror and realized I could see my sternoclidomastoid, which (don't judge me) I always think is sort of attractive. 

Via Wikipedia

 So, that was sort of a cool sign. I didn't really think about it though, until this week when my sister made a comment about how she saw a real change to my face. I wasn't sure I believed it. So, for myself (and now for you) I have put together comparison pictures. 

The before picture on the left is from around Christmas of this year, the one on the right was a week ago. 

And here's a better picture of a potato in the wild, along with a slightly smaller potato! The left is from Fourth of July this last year and the one on the right is again from about a week ago. 

I said at the beginning of this that I don't want to toot my own horn. But, holy crap my sister was right. 

I still have a long way to go. And let me tell you, keeping the motivation up is no easy task. I would love to just eat pizza all the time. But when I look at the past potato to the current potato, how can I quit? 

Thoughts

Dear Readers, 

The hardest part of my Graveyard Shift schedule is my days off. I'm up by midnight or 1 am. Normal people aren't awake then. I have no one to share thoughts with. Even when I'm at work, I don't really have anyone to talk to. I have to sit silently in my sleep deprived comedy  hilarity. 

Rather than save up these thoughts in order to text them to friends at a more normal time (7 am is normal, right?) I have decided to collect them here for the next week. 

You're welcome in advance. 

Saturday, April 12th. Approx 6AM.

I worked today. And as I was reaching into the very back of a shelf I was reminded of this particular scene from Flash Gordon:

For a split second a real a paralyzing fear washed over me as I prepared to be stung by that freaky slug/scorpion hybrid. When nothing happened (obviously, because those things don't live in stores, they live in the woods. Keep up.) I was instantly relieved. And then realized, in the kingdom of Arboria I would be recognized as a man. My journey to adulthood is complete. 

Monday, April 14th. 1 AM.

I am insanely amused that the chocolate and feminine hygiene products consistently come in on the same pallet. 

Tuesday, April 15th. 4 AM.

No, I do not have the time to invest in watching a full length movie. That would be ridiculous. Do you understand that a whole movie takes up at least an hour and a half of my time? I have much better things I could be doing than enjoying a well crafted piece of film.

Now please excuse me while I marathon Bob's Burgers. 

Wednesday, April 16th. 7 AM. 

While doing returns today, I noticed a lot of similar items. It was if someone had done all of their shopping and then just decided, "Nah, forget it. I'm tired of shopping. I think I'll just leave."

Thursday, April 17th. Time Unknown.

Netflix. A Haiku.

Do not stop playing.
Why must you judge me so?
I am still watching.

Thank you.

Friday, April 18th. Early. 

Saturday, April 19th. 3:45 AM.

This girl walked in front of my car on my way to work today. First of all, who in their right mind is out walking around at 3:30 am? Don't you people need sleep? Seriously. Second, she was trying to communicate:

via Finding Nemo

Anyway, when she was in front of my car she said something, her lips moved, and she did a stroke-y beard hand movement. Now, this girl did not have a beard, and as far as I know neither do I. I have no idea what she was trying to say. If any of you know this secret code, please fill me in. 

Still Saturday, 4:30 PM.

My roommate and I took it upon ourselves to learn about Portland's Shanghi Tunnels. Even more exciting I learned about Joseph Kelly, one of the best Crimpers of his time. Among his achievements, he managed to sell 14 dead men to a ships captain for 50 dollars each. Amazing. That's not a funny story, but it's true and amazing. Take the time to learn more:  Joseph Kelly

That's what I have for you this week, a collection of strange thoughts that I have when no one is around. You are all more informed on my life. 

You're welcome. 

The Walk

Or

How I Lost My Ability to be Cool

Dear Readers, 

I've been wracking my brain all week in order to bring you something. Not that interesting things haven't happened to me, just that I'm not sure which one I want to write for you. So, rather than tell you something from this past week/month, I thought you'd like to take a trip back in time with me. 

gif via http://gifsoup.com/view/4921242/time-vortex.html
clip via Doctor Who

We are in California circa 2002(-ish). Wait...This isn't far back enough.

via http://gifsoup.com/view/3062546/clock-going-backwards.html

It's 1993:

via: My Mom

That's way too far back...This time travel thing is hard. Last try.

Gif via http://wifflegif.com/gifs/253889-back-to-the-future-delorean-gif
Clip via Back To The Future

We are in Lincoln City, Oregon. 2000(-ish). Perfect. 

I am in elementary school. I'm actually sort of cool. I have friends of all sorts. I'm not sure if I'm legitimately cool, but I do fit in with the cool kids, life is good for a fourth grader. 

And then we move to California. I won't give you the boring details. I will leave it as: I was no longer cool, because unlike classwork social standing doesn't transfer. Fifth grade was an interesting experience. We ended up in a neighborhood that (at least to my fifth grader mind) was sort of well to do. 

Now, my family isn't poor by any means, but I'd not consider us "well to do" more...Middleish, sometimes lower/middle. I've always felt some kinship to Harry from Caddyshack II:

"Well, at home we happen to be upper/lower. But, when I'm away at school I like to pretend that I'm lower/middle. But, what I aspire to become is middle/middle."

So, I'm trying to compete with kids that are either lower/upper or middle/upper. It's a real struggle. But I'm almost there. I'm so close to being cool I can taste it. Sixth grade is going to be my year. 

Aside: It is important for you to also know that during this time my Dad ran a shoe store that I helped at a lot. I spent any allowance I made helping out on shoes (because why not?).

One of my most favorite pairs of shoes I had looked like this:

via http://miz-mooz.com/

These are wedges, that are also tennis shoes. Mine did not look exactly like this, but, pretty close. 

They were so cute. I felt awesome in them. Naturally, I decided to wear them to school my first week. Gotta make that good impression on those middle school kids. 

Bonus, we lived close enough to the school for me to walk with a friend. I was going to be so cool, not getting dropped off. 

So my good friend at the time and I are walking, behind us I can hear older girls chatting away. I'm looking pretty fly all dressed up in my tennis shoe heels. 

Rockin' it. 

And then it happens. 

My world ends. 

The apocalypse. 

Ragnarok.

The ground opened and I was swallowed whole.  

Oh, wait. No. That's just what I wish had happened. 

What really happened is my unsteady-in-heels self tripped on the uneven sidewalk, biting the dust in front of these (obviously cool) older girls. 

Realistically, I'm not sure if they were laughing at me, so much as laughing because they were preteen girls (and as someone who was one I can vouch that sometimes they just giggle for the sake of giggling). It didn't matter, though. My life was over. 

From that moment on two things happened. 

I have never been good in heels, because I am terrified of tripping. Even though it is a little funny when people trip, so long as they aren't seriously hurt. Tripping is just funny. 

The second is that I've never been cool. I don't know that this was caused by the trip, but I've certainly noticed a trend of uncool since then. I've spiraled down and down into dorky-ness. 

At this point in my life I've accepted that I'll never be cool. And I'm alright with that. 

But that, that trip in front of some cool kids, broke my little 6th grade heart.  

Luckily, I'm now at the point where I could really care less about how cool I was in school. Does this mean I don't look back and cringe at things like (I cringe just typing this) writing extensive Power Rangers Fan Fic? 

Uh, no. 

I cringe. Very hard. 

But that cringe, even that trip in front of the cool kids, made me the person I am. And, in my world, I'm pretty cool.

My Newest Game

Hello Readers, 

So, when I'm at work during the wee hours of the morning, throwing things onto shelves, I need to do something to occupy myself. If not, I might legitimately go crazy. 

I do have my music, which helps. But I can only listen to so much before I start tuning out. 

When I tune out I often crawl into my own head, which is fun for a while. I turn my attention to writing things that I'll forget about by the time I get back to my computer. I have an awful memory.

Or sometimes I'll think of crude texts to my dad. Like:

I think of you whenever I stock Preparation H <3

via http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Drevil_million_dollars.jpg

That was an actual text. We've got a good relationship. 

Anyway, even that only lasts for a while. So I've created a new game, that I hope any of you visiting supermarkets can enjoy to help pass your time. 

Now, when I work, I stock shelves (as I think I've mentioned). Which means I am fairly familiar with the shelves in my section at this point. 

Often, I have a day off between shifts. So there is a full 24 hours of people shopping before I come in and make things look pretty again. 

Now, I'm fully aware that there are hundreds of people in the store during this time, buying things. But some of the things that are completely gone from the shelves are baffling. 

For example: 

There are many brands of protein shakes (duh), that come in many flavors (also, duh). When I walked in the other day there were two different brands that where completely wiped out of their dark chocolate flavor. This is roughly 7 cases (with 5 bottles per case) of different protein shakes all gone. 

Why in the world would someone need 35 bottles of dark chocolate protein shake?

This is my new game. 

Realistically, I know that not a single person came in and grabbed these cases in one trip.

In my mind I like to imagine that there was some sort of dark chocolate emergency, in which someone needed the drinks RIGHT NOW.

Now, this is much more exciting when it's, say, all of the boxes of gauze that have been picked clean. But the chocolate shakes is much funnier. Maybe someone needed to shower in the chocolaty goodness in order to remain young and beautiful. 

This game is my gift to you, Readers, enjoy it.